dream

First: excuse the crappy quality.I wish my desktop is here.

Without closing my eyes, I tried chasing the fast moving stream of clouds.
It was scary. When I close my eyes, everything seems to become a lie.
The broken clouds and the gaps between them. The wind screams so they can be connected.
I don't mind a bit of a blur, I'm simply looking in front of me.

Not wavering, just pushing straight on.
If I do that, one day I can catch the clouds.

At the beginning of this unending journey,
even if there's nothing but despair,
On the other side, even if our dreams and wishes are simple,
I want to believe it exists

There's no meaning, no values. Show there's nothing like a useless dream.
Going changing and unchanging, is that our future?
There's nothing I can do but catch it with my hands.

How far can we walk to this destination?
How far have we walked until now?

It's a beautiful song from Miyavi.You don't have to look up for the translation to enjoy the song.The dreamy pv shows what the song is all about.

From pv point of view : keep this in mind, a lady in black moving gracefully is a good aesthetic element in any dreamy themed video.See Chris Cunningham's Frozen (Madonna), Jewel's Foolish Game & Floria Sigismondi's Fighter (Christina Aguilera).My only gripe would be Miyavi's wardrobe.He's being..himself.Fine, the song is about self motivation, he didn't need to be some character out of fantasy book (though it would be nice to have a nice change of clothes, Miyavi-san).The location is perfect too.I'd love to see this scenery myself.As a person who's obsessed with colors - it could be better.But I'm liking what I see so far.

random note: some friends said I haven't been myself lately.I guess it's true.There are subtle changes in myself, not obvious but noticeable.A dear friend said "do whatever you should, for yourself".Another said "you're not the Fairy I know anymore".I'm sorry, I'm still trying.Thank you for your concern..I know you're reading this :)

random rambling of the day: the day I turned 26, the day I said my goodbye to my 25 year old self.My question would be :

what would you do if your dreams stray far away from reality?would you stop chasing or pick up whatever that's left & go down the path again?

Feel free to bombard me.

crimson lotus

I just feel like posting it after hearing sad news involving deaths, babies.I lost my father recently, but I never knew how would it feel to lose your own baby.Ignorant people would say the feelings would be the same, losing someone dear to you.But then again, when you carry a tiny you inside I'm pretty sure that would be a different feeling.The lyrics are moving & powerful indeed..I hope the translation would convey the meaning almost perfectly as in Japanese.

I'm sorry... after awhile, let me sleep by your name

The passing days drew us closer
The pain is matched with joy
Both hands reflect that
I cry when I think of you

there is a rain of sadness
it's fine just to remain unknown
I tremble for repose, i remembered
what do you want to see in this reeled in dream?

unchanging dreams, if this continues on
please don't pause in your happiness
even if it doesn't need to called out but
the drowning days are piling over me.

I don't want you to fade
let me hear, even a sigh
a small heartbeat, that isn't there
I want you, come here

Even the hands of salvation is also in vagueness
Will there be a cocoon at intervals of the second, without the string tearing off?

I want to hear, even a sigh
little rhythm to the sound of the heartbeat
of untouched prayers delivered.

the name which I cannot call out I held closely
counting with my fingers, I don't want tomorrow to disappear
hearing with blocked ears
the sound of a broken cradle

the spring time will never come again
the crimson lotus is in bloom

White would be death.The girl is embryo.Red room would be the mother's uterus.The girl was wearing red at the beginning, she begins to paint the room white.Eventually she stayed put behind the band members & wore white..meaning she's no longer alive.

At first I thought it contains anti-abortion message.Similar to Kyo, Ruki's lyrics are pretty deep.I'd say Kyo is a complex, complicated person while Ruki's deep & thoughtful.I have no idea when I saw the pv, not till I saw the translation & interpretation of the visual from the internet.I knew it is meant to convey a message but..a red room, a girl in red & white & white paint? Very thought provoking.This song is from the mother's point of view.How she longing to see her own child but no longer there.Some say it's how the mother gave up the child, and regretted doing so.I would choose the first interpretation.I don't doubt that not every mother in this world is capable of taking care of her own child.I should know better.

From the artistic point: The concept is great.Very nice bokeh.The desaturated colors added to the serene yet sorrowful atmosphere.

If you feel like hearing this song, the title is "Guren" by the Gazette.

hello dear my bride

I dare say this man can pull off any looks without looking gay-ish

Uruha & his trademark pout

look how Ruki's outfit contrasted with the rest of them.

This is my favourite pv to watch in the MRT.I could watch this on repeat.Somehow, it always inspires me on the way to work.It definitely has to do with the scheme color (plus the song of course).For people who knew me, they'd say "this is so you".I tried to play around with different color tones, more vibrant, more hues but each time I failed.I would always (unintentionally) play with the same color tone on every(almost) single piece of work I did.Recently I was supposed to color correct a trailer for a reality tv show that's gonna be pitched for Bio channel.I was going for warm kinda feeling, but somehow..there, I did it again.By the time I realized I was like 'oh shit, this again', it was too late.Fortunately the director liked it, phew.It's almost like a trademark, my friends immediately recognized my works.I need more colors in my life, if anyone can help me to cure this matter please tell me how to.There, one solid reason why I liked this video very much.Wait, I loved it.That and the ballerina, it reminds me of Slipknot's Vermillion pv.

thousand cranes

something sexy about Uruha's eyes & hair

something about men in black & white tailored suit & windy gloomy day

I've been meaning to post something else but..The song was given to my husband a day after the funeral.I was quite surprised, coming from him as he didn't listen much to JRock (except for Kyo's voice/Dir en grey).I knew this song existed but I've always preferred The Gazette's newer stuff.I didn't know why but I was really drawn to it the first time I heard it (without knowing the meaning behind it.).Maybe because I was numb & something about Ruki's voice.When I found out the translation & the deeper reason he created Chizuru, this instantly in my play list.I pictured the visual the first time I heard it & it was almost similar to what I've imagined.Water.A female.Black & white.Even down to the last shot of my favourite flower, calla lily.Maybe it was pure coincidence, or maybe the song instantly attached to me.Thanks to Ruki, my Kanji improved & my Japanese vocabulary expanded.It certainly sounds beautiful in Japanese.

千鶴 Chizuru

あなたに映る私の目が
あなたを見失う日が来ても
この目に焼き付いてくれている
木洩れ陽の日々とあなたは
連れて行かないで
My eyes in which your impression is left
even when the day I lose sight of you comes
You are burned into these eyes.
You do not take me with you
To the days with you and the sunlight filtering through the trees

私の名前を呼んで
Where do my tears flow away to

千羽のとても小さな
あなたの願いに寄り添って
笑顔も返せずにただ
吐息を数えていた記憶の最期に
あなたの声が聞こえて
全てを無くした朝
I nestle up to
Your small wishes of a thousand cranes
In the end of my memory, which just counts my sighs
without being able to restore your smile, I hear your voice
The morning on which I lost everything
=Ruki/The Gazette

In your letter are only unreadable characters
I want you to meet me and let me hear it from your mouth

The white I can't get used to is my weak point
Even my sigh echoes
Though if I knew the sky's colour, I would be rescued
Someday I want to forget even the breathing,
which I am unable to perform well
It seems like even the strength to be able to wish dries out
When I sing "tomorrow, face down", thorns go along with sleep
Restraint was twined around my body
Even the mind seems to sleep
The warmth which touched my cheeks was so familiarly gentle
The shadow I saw in a blurred gulch, a warm - coloured dream
My eyes in which your impression is left
even when the day I lose sight of you comes
You are burned into these eyes.
You do not take me with you
To the days with you and the sunlight filtering through the trees
The oozing white wavers
It feels like I'll even forget words
Where do my tears flow away to
Call my name
Hold me till I crumble
I'm afraid to lose anything else
Where are you singing about me
Even if I listen hard, what echoes is my uneasy heartbeat
I can't recall the warmth that was left on my cheek
What I saw in the dim loophole Was a cold-colored reality
I nestle up to
Your small wishes of a thousand cranes
In the end of my memory, which just counts my sighs
without being able to restore your smile, I hear your voice
The morning on which lost I everything
The two of us can't become one

Papa, 残念です。さようなら。Till we meet again.

this is mine.

This would be a first time I'm posting my thoughts here.Twitter can't help as it's too short.A blog posting from a dear friend triggered this thoughts.A recent conversation with a cousin brought this on my mind.He came back recently from the UK, had a few relationships with Caucasian girls.None lasted till he came back to Malaysia, he's currently dating a Punjabi girl.Of course I was shocked, for a while I tried to picture it in my brain before I chuckled like an idiot.

me: back to your own original roots aye?
cousin: that's what everyone been saying.I got teased till today.

I laughed hard at him but he just nodded in agreement.It was a victorious moment for me as I never saw him that speechless.Anyway, we agreed that our family 3rd generation are made of a bunch of hopeless mixed marriage children.None of us speak fluent Punjabi.Let's face it, I suck in that language.The language my father spoke, grew up with & proud of.Before he went, he only conversed in these 2 languages, Punjabi & Cantonese.Not Bahasa Malaysia, not even English.I struggled so hard to talk to him in my rusty Cantonese, not using it ever since my Cantonese grandmother passed away.My grandfather used to sing lullabies for me in his own language, but I couldn't even remember a tiny bit of it till recently my aunt taught me to.Still, I can't pick up the language at all.We both regret not learning it properly.But it's never too late eh?I admit my tongue are more into the Oriental side, because I was very fond of my grandmother.No one will believe me if I mention I'm a Punjabi, they'll look at me funny.I inherited my grandmother's genes, the boys inherited the Punjabi side more.Bushy eyebrows, thick sharp nose, defined jaws and dimples.I have..none, except for my straight thick boned shoulders.When I was young, my Malay grandmother would call me "anak bai" or she would insert "kaur" at the back of my name.My father always reminded me "no matter what other people say, you're a Punjabi.Do not forget that.You're my child".People often asked me "what are you?".I'd just shrugged off and said I don't really know.Come to think of it, perhaps I was confused with my own identity.I barely know the language, how could I admit I'm one of them?

I realized what am I when I reached 19.Kinda late but least I'm not afraid to admit anymore (though there were occasions I wouldn't admit so coughcough).Anyway, my father always been an idol for me.He knew English, BMalaysia, Punjabi, Tamil, Chinese dialects (Canto,Hokkien,Hakka, a bit of Teochew but not Mandarin).How awesome is that ? Of course he taught me..Cantonese bad languages .He said, that's the basic things to master.I picked up Hokkien & Mandarin easily nowadays, it reminds me of my father.

Therefore, what I wanted to post here is an open letter to myself.When I reached 30, I shall look at this letter & ask myself if I achieved any of this.In a way, I'd like to think that I'd make my father proud.

I pledge to fulfill this task given by my own 25 year old self.I hereby declare that I shall do this, for my self.As stated here:

+ to polish up my Cantonese conversational skill.Be it good or bad.
+ to master Japanese language.By 30 I shall know more than 2000 Kanji words.
+ to be able to strike a proper conversation in Punjabi.

and of course, I should improve English/B Malaysia, as well as Singlish/Manglish dialects (haha).Amin.

oh wow..I really can rant this much.I should pat myself .

pretty pretty album art

Muse: Origin of Symmetry [ not a Muse fan but this cover rocks ]
Death Cab for Cutie : Something about Airplanes [ blue is one of my favourite color ]
Bjork : Greatest Hits [ love the quirky illustration! ]
Kannivalism : Helios [ the pic is kinda small but the details are..too awesome to describe.sigh ]
Damien Rice : O [ love the simplicity of the cover ]
Inoran : Watercolor [ awesome photography.it's so pretty that I have to wrap my cd carefully ]
mink : prologue [ I envy people who can do flowy beautiful illustration/vector art ]
mucc : kyuutai [ you can never go wrong with monochrome + red ]
MONO : Hymn to the Immortal Wind [ water is my fav element ]
Dir en grey : Uroboros [ the best cover art by Dir en grey.the details are too..blardy hell! ]

On a second thought, this post is rather bias (towards Japanese designers) eh ? O well..unintended to do so :|